Had this draft since Saturday but after reading a post “her mask of pretense..” a lovely post on http://junkieonmars.blogspot.com I decided to post it. This is the link to the post http://junkieonmars.blogspot.com/2011/07/her-mask-of-pretense.html
I was having a conversation with a friend about how much and what we do know about each other. We found out that we basically knew only what we wanted the other to know. We kinda came up with a theory, it might already be out there but this is what we came up with:
“Ok the theory is that *in Rachel’s voice* people only know what the other person chooses to let them know about themselves. Our family tends to know the lazy self, Relatives tend to know the ideal self. Classmates/colleagues/friends tend to know a closed or open self depending on the temperament of the person and strangers tend to know one of the two you’s the real you or the ideal you
Why the need for two “you’s”? Why the Ideal and Real Me? Why an open or close self? Does the Ideal Me represent the me I desire to be or the me that society will find easier accepting? The Real Me?? Who am I? Am I the monster you see briefly when I loose control? Or the me that loves reading, Lil Wayne, music, movies and cuddling n yeah the concept of sex? What defines a real me?
Its my choice to allow you to see all of me, to know the whole me, both Real and Ideal, because both real and ideal me’s are Me. If I choose for you to know only one just make sure you don’t judge me based on that.
This open and close self comes about because of the need for privacy and protection, No one wants to be hurt. We tend to construct barriers in order to be safe emotionally. Our weakness and fears are buried under layers of rocks, we only unbury them when we find someone worth our trust. Someone we believe won’t use them against us.
Time is also a tool you can use in discovering the total Me. I am tempted to say time and trust are the same or similar hmmm are they? I think with time one tends to lose control (drop your guard) you become complacent and reveal your Real self. You don’t do it because of trust, its just a product of time.
Through our discussion I realized that not only had I buried my self under boulders I had constructed the fucking White House on it. No one knows the Real me, my fears of rejection, the reason behind my constant flirting, my personal demons, my ambitions, my dreams etc. People might have an idea about my values but do they know me? I wonder, have i ever allowed anyone to come close enough to know the total Me?
If you ever thought or think you know please think again lol why? Because I don’t know the total me myself, I keep discovering myself daily. So the question is “How well do I know myself”? not “Do you know me?”
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