I am on my second 500ml can of beer and it’s not even lunch time yet, i remember swearing to myself last week that this won’t happen again but here i find myself drinking and thinking about the cider i got for a friend, I might end up drinking that as well. I am not depressed, far from that, I just find myself in a strange place and with no clues as to how to behave.
I am Obi and a music lover, i have a regular job though it doesn’t give me much pleasure. I don’t mind the long hours just the weekends that it usually takes away from me. The days that i can go out and meet people, the weekends that i used to spend with her.
I met her about four months ago and my life hasn’t been the same since, I’ve gone through the whole emotional spectrum from end to end and back again. Never felt so strongly about someone like this before, no one has ever frustrated me this way before, caused so much fear in me, excited me this much, got me tired with her distrust. Never been this stressed before. When i am with her in Blue Lagoon, i feel so relaxed, everything is calm and I feel like a King, even though I am still shy of her. She has this cute laughter, just like her mother. When i hear it and look at her, I feel like hugging her and drinking in her essence, I want to hold her all night.
But it wasn’t meant to be or maybe not now, this is where i am confused. What do you do when the woman you love asks for space, asks for time to find out what she did wrong in her past relationships? Do you swallow daily the words you want to share with it? Do you keep your dreams to yourself? How about the excitement of a promotion? Do you “forget” to mention it because the enthusiasm that was once there no longer exists? Do you still share good news? How do you deal with the reduction in chats? Have you experienced this before dear stranger? Do you catch yourself thinking whether the “friend” that she is at the cinema with is interested in her and if she is considering him? Do you start counting the weeks that you last saw her? Do you ask yourself whether you are the only one feeling this way? Do you ask yourself whether it really means the end?
Stranger, i know i love her and only want the best for her, does that mean i should fade into the background? Does it mean i hide my feelings and let her know i will always be there without actually being there? Do you think its going to be easy with time? Sorry to bother you with all these questions but there is no one else i can talk to. Do you think she sees me with my mask on? can she see the hurt and doubt in my words? Can she see through the false bravado? Or she only sees me chatting and laughing with other females?
Hurts to say this but i think i might never ever be with her but i honestly tried to show her who i was and what she meant to me.
Thanks for reading this.
Borrowed the style used on Letters To A Stranger
How does one act like a friend towards someone you feel more than friendship towards?