Rambling ~ When you cannot forget

What makes him tick?

The simple little things, listen to Natasha Bedingfield’s The Little Things to get an idea.

That dimple when he smiles

I stare at the mirror daily looking for that illusive dimple. I smile, I frown, I grin, I make silly faces until I start laughing at my silliness. Looking for something I would never find, allowing your words to bring back that silliness associated with young love. Love that does not know pain, only joy and laughter. Love which is not bounded by the impossible. Love, free to be and do all things. I have always been one to be conscious of my smile, I find it ugly because of my bloodstained teeth. The reason why I always have my head down is my smile and you see a dimple when I smile?

The sheer warmth in his simplicity

They always look through me, never seeing or understand what I stand for. The ice is not only around my heart, it’s all over me. It’s a shield, I am cold. There is nothing warm about me. I am not simple yet it’s all about the simple things for me.

The wise words embedded in his sarcasm

I don’t doubt your words, I just cannot see what you see. I guess I now understand why people ask “Why do you love me?” or “why do you want to be my friend?” . They want to know what you see in them or the reason why it has to be them. I don’t think there must be a single thing or a reason why you should be loved or why you love or want to be with someone.

Hope I find someone like you, I cannot forget these words. She wrote this while we ate the worst pasta ever!

You never miss it till it is gone

May Girlfriend Search Chronicles ~ Day 6

Spent the whole day at home, watching movies and having a generally good and satisfying day. I wanted to write about Day 5 but i got lazy and the day ended without me posting.

I realised on day five that i am happy being single, i love the people in my life and feel loved back. I had a conversation on day 2 of May with a friend about the difference between love and like. We couldn’t identify what the difference was, i think we came to an agreement about what it meant personally for us. Personally the two are merged for me, i cant like you without loving you. And love here is not the “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” love. I care and genuinely wish you succeed in all that you do. Be the best in all that do kinda love.

i started this search because i wanted to single one lady out and give her my all and be her all also. I think that was wrong, i am not sure though. Is there a valid reason for wanting to be in a relationship? or a not selfish one?

I experience love each day from family and friends, Love here refers to the one without conditions and hidden agenda. People who appreciate me for being me and who don’t change into what they think I find ideal. My definition of an ideal partner is flawed simply because she is human. Humans are not perfect and i am not. Pretending to be what you are not…you will be found out one day. What are you going to do?

I’ll live my life, have fun with my friends, go out to the beach, movies, long drives, go out to eat, drink, laugh and dance the night away. I wont look for a partner, i’ll be looking to build my relationships with the people i care about. Make new friends and yes discover new places. Tired of staying at one place and moving my legs less often with each passing day, tired of locking my heart up, keeping it for that one person.

The search stops today, the blossoming of friendships starts tonight.

I said, “You are the beautiful, mistress of mathematics.”
I said, “For you, I would peel open the clouds like new fruit
And give you lightning and thunder as a dowry
I would make the sky shed all of its stars like rain
And I would clasp the constellations across your waist
And I would make the heavens your cape
And they would be pleased to cover you
They would be pleased to cover you
May I please, cover you, please”

Do all roads lead to love?

I found this as i went through my bookmarks this morning. It asks a question that i need answered. I got it from

Lately I’ve given a lot of thought to the notion of whether it is possible to truly love someone who is from an entirely different cultural background, ethnic make up, country, belief system, continent… All you uber optimists are already answering in annoyingly high-pitched happy voices “Of course you can! Love knows no boarders.” That’s all well and dandy and quite frankly I want to believe the same thing, and I do to some extent. But hear me out.

So I’m here in the States, South African, mixed race, multi-lingual- THE WORKS! (haha) And I have made some very strong bonds with people. I’ve also made some bonds that are worse than that really cheap glue stick stuff that starts peeling the moment it dries (I digress). However, even with the strongest bonds I’ve made here there’s always a moment when I’m explaining a scenario from Shirley village, Xigodini and as much as I know I’m being heard and listened to, there’s a limit to how much I’m understood. And quite obviously so! I mean if I grew up in Boston my whole life, how could I begin to relate to a story of being pushed down a dusty hill in a wheel barrow in Shirley village? Or relate to a story of dropping a precious, brand new white sandal into a pit toilet?

I so often feel like people rather than listen to the human element of my story are too busy marveling at all the details that seem so far-fetched when sitting in South Hadley Massachusetts. “Wow! You need to go all the way outside to use the rest room?” Um, yes but fuck I was pissed about my damn sandal! It was brand new! “Wait so you mean it really doesn’t flush?” No! Gravity is our flush! But dude, I had no idea what I would tell my mum. How could I go home with one less shoe? The other girls laughed at me when they heard and I think I cried on my way home.

If I was overly dramatic I might compare the sensation to Sarah Baartman who rather than be viewed as a person with feelings and ideas was viewed as an exhibition, something to marvel at. I’m not upset about it or mad at the people who do not understand me. My closest friends try to understand and do a good job for as far as their minds’ eyes can see. Still, I’ve cut so many stories short when I wasn’t in the mood to explain sewage systems or so as not to bore anyone with fairytale-sounding stories of sitting around fires or nights under the stars. Who would be interested in hearing my favourite songs when “Maya I don’t understand anything she’s saying! But the clicking sounds so cool!” My favourite childhood games, my favourite sayings, food, memories, smells and sounds are all “fascinating!! Really? That’s sooo cool!” And yet I can relate to stories of kissing under street lights and of getting my first cellphone and of skipping class and going to the nearest store even with no money in hand.

I know that everything I’ve seen has influenced who I’ve become. If someone cannot fully understand my experiences could they fully understand me? And if not could they claim to love me? The philosopher in me asks: is it possible to love something you do not fully understand? Someone you don’t fully understand.

If I were to answer yes, my dad would perhaps be my most compelling evidence. He, although born in South Africa, spent most of his childhood in Europe and moved back to South Africa as a young adult. He is happily married now to an older African American woman who grew up in a small town in Southern USA and who had never planned for her stay in South Africa to be quite as long as it became after they met. I firmly believe that he loves her and that she loves him. I don’t know if either of them can fully relate to the other’s past but that doesn’t seem to be an issue. Or perhaps it’s that they have learnt to see each other as humans with human emotions. And perhaps only then do the gritty details of place and time matter less.

Maya Wegerif

Sunday Soup

I normally have a first class pepper soup and beer after church service at Big Wills end. It used to be a ritual until work took my most of my Sundays away. I won’t be having one today though I am in church today, why? Because i was forced to wear a super tight trouser that won’t allow me to walk from his end to the roadside.

But let me serve you guys with one, I am calling it Sunday Soup because it is still hot, we just ended with the group study of the bible passage of Nehemiah 4:1-9. It’s about how God hasn’t promised us a trouble free life as Christians, or a life without trials, tribulations and set backs. But he has assured us that we will have a better life at the end of it all. These things are meant to strengthen us and draw us closer to him.

Another thing was the mindset of the people, they had a mind to build, ie rebuild Jerusalem. They did not allow the challenges and opposition to stop them. As humans and then Christians, we should be dedicated to whatever we do. We shouldn’t be discouraged easily. We shouldn’t allow the setbacks to let us stop whatever good that we are doing. We should rather be amped to do more and better.

I have to stop writing now (offertory, bible reading and announcement are done). Either I listen to the sermon or tweet, do pray for me.

Saint Obi and the Charming Stone

As it slowly sunk home, i remembered where I first saw the stone, it was in the picture story book used by the GrandMaster Coal in tutoring us. Even in the book it pulsed with life, my young passionate and impressionable self wanted to reach out and touch it through the book, make it mine. Maybe it was destiny that made sure the GrandMaster never left the book in the library but always kept it on him, I might have lost my mind because I was too young to fight its power.

Even though we were made to believe by our older siblings that the stone was one of myth, it was brought into the town by a wizard and his company one winter night. The whole town was bathed in magically lights during the night, the stars and moon were not seen for a whole week. There was food, drinks and performances by people and creatures unknown. These things were pale in contrast to the stone and yet not more than a handful noticed the stone hanging around the wizard’s neck. I later found out that he had cast a spell over it.

At the end of the weeklong celebration I approached the wizard to ask for permission to feel the stone because of its beauty. It was dark black, oval, it had a little dent which kept on capturing light. It was alive. He wouldn’t allow me to touch it, but he provided me with its real history. It was formed at the shores of the great sea by the magic of a wizard from the west and a witch from the east. They couldn’t be together so they decided to have their union “imprisoned” in the stone, forever together, held by their love for each other. It was stolen from the witch’s home by a wanderer. This wanderer went on to be the great charmer and first king of the southern seas. This is the history which was not in the book. According to the book, the wanderer found the stone in the belly of Stage, the gapped tooth creature, the terror of ancient times. Stage lived in the lake found on the volcano. The wanderer charmed him to sleep and slit it’s stomach to get the stone.

The second time I saw the stone, it was with an ordinary man, a rich merchant. He was bound to the stone by a greater bond than that of the magician. He loved the stone, it wasn’t a source of pride or a thing of display, there wasn’t a charm to hide its beauty from the world. He hang it around his neck and carried it everywhere he went. I came across them in my 23rd year, the year in which I was to find a princess, a companion and helper. I asked him if I could have the stone for a day and that it had been the source of many of my childhood fantasies. It was one of the best days of my life, it whispered its life story to me, took me on journeys unimaginable, warmed the coldest part of my heart and left me longing for more.

This is the third time I am seeing it, it still belongs to the merchant. But he has given it its freedom, it asked to be free, to be able to express the love of its creators, to explore and to create music, life and art. It chose for its home the lake that was formed when stage was killed, in the valley below the volcano. My tents are pitched on the shores, it came to me in the night and we spoke.

March Girlfriend Search Chronicles ~ Day 31

What is happening to Father Time, the older he gets, the faster he runs. Unlike Mother Nature. I know 1st March was just yesterday, how come today is the 31st and what happened to my quest?

Day 18 – Let me call day 18 the Yummy Day. I have been on a diet for the entirety of this month. Rachel and I decided that since she was about to leave in a week’s time we should go out and have fun (eat) . We spent the afternoon at Delifrance and I foolishly came up with this “If she takes you to where there is a D, she wants the D” . We had the loveliest pizza ever and then a brownie forged in the heavenly flames. I had totally forgotten how unhealthy food was so good to the soul. We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant, the least said about the disaster of food that we had, the better. The remainder of the night was spent at the movies. All in all, it was a great night out. It also drove the point home that Rachel is the girl who I have the most fun with, the girl who I have spent the most time with this year and that I will miss her when she leaves.

Day 21 – On the 18, Rachel told me about her secret place, the place that I am sure to find her if I cannot find her anywhere else. We agreed to go there on Thursday. I was working the graveyard shift that particular week but I was determined to make it. It was a lovely ride to the beach (yes her secret place is a beach). She chose it because “the beach is my secret place because it takes me out of the hustle and bustle of life and forces me to sit down and reflect. and then just by standing in the sea i learn so much about God and about life…its almost like the sea teaches me not in so many words…i go there to be washed. going there is like going to the cross for me…i can go there to meet God and leave all my burdens there and the sea carries them all away…and to think that if the sea, created by God, makes me feel this way….how much more being in his presence?” We spent the day on the beach, building sand castles, she destroying it by stomping on it , racing along the shore, helping a couple of fisherman to pull their catch in, had lunch and a really good time. I dare say, best day for me this year. Don’t know about her .

Day 27 – Ever had a crush on someone and thought it was a two-way street? Saddest thing ever when you find out it wasn’t so.

Day 28 – Five months separation, Rachel left the country on Thursday for a five month student exchange program. How cruel can this world be? But it’s for the best, i pray and hope she takes advantage of the opportunity and studies and learns all that she can and more. That she not only develops academically but also spiritually and socially. I sent her to the airport, had our last dinner together (for the next five months only) . it was a good and sad time. I miss her daily. I wish she didn’t go. Her father shares the same sentiments, he couldn’t believe his baby was leaving.

Day 31 – Certainly not the end. I discovered a lot about myself and my future girlfriend. I identified her in myself and in the people i interacted with. I can describe her perfectly now, i can point her out in any crowd. I think i can even name her. Her name is Christian’s Girlfriend lol.

What she is not, she is not perfect, she has her weakness, she has her mood swings and her trust issues. She doesn’t think she is better than her neighbour because of birth or position. She doesn’t need a man to make her feel complete or accomplished. She is a leader and a team member. She is everything a woman should be. She is my support. Her name is Christian’s Girlfriend, and what i love about her is that she will reveal herself at the right time

Happy Easter all

March Girlfriend Search Chronicles ~ Day 17

Day 17

I had a breakfast date with Kanyinsola, a princess with a lovely smile. The day started more hectic than usual. My customer Tigo Tanzania had an issue with their MBPN node, so they called to raise an emergency. I spent the whole day at church on Freda (the name of my laptop) I am a Core network Engineer, i have no idea about what goes on in MPBN nodes except that, they process our data requests. But i had to take ownership of the issue, i failed at that but it wont happen again! I told myself that just because i dont work with that node i shouldnt have an idea about the basics about it.

We went to the hotel together instead of meeting up there, it was the right decision. We got to know more about each other in the cab. Wait, i just realised i haven’t introduced her or how we met. Let me start with how i found out that she was in the country. I was busy scouting my timeline looking for an innocent damsel to pester for the night, when i noticed an interesting convo between Amanda, David and Kayin. She was busy organizing a movie date with them. I couldn’t believe she could be that evil, to be in town and not inform me . I slinked into her DM, asked a couple of questions and we agreed on the date.

This should inform you that I met her off twitter, like so many other great friends that I’ve made. Its a social network and its normal that you meet all kinds of characters there. When I see tweets that your followers are not your friends, I just laugh. Not all want your good but there are some that wish you well and desire only the good for you. You have to recognize them and appreciate them.

I warned her about my current diet and that she was about to release the wolf in me. I apologized for what I knew was in store for her, the diet had limited me to just tea and two miserable slices of bread. I am ashamed to admit that I over ate. I forgot any manners that I had and wolfed down every and anything on the menu. She gave me the look, the are you serious look.

After our breakfast, we strolled to the beach, took off our shoes and just talked. We spoke for some time. I tried taking pictures but she didn’t want none of that. I got a couple of lovely ones though. The beach wasn’t packed and it was just lovely.

Kayin is a soft spoken girl who has her opinions and is not scared to share them. It is something that I greatly admire in a woman, ie both qualities. I believe you can get your point across without shouting or being abusive. I want a girlfriend just like her.

Day 16? Wondering what happened on day 16? Work and all its added issues. I was at the poolside and I got called in, I don’t want to go into details, it just messed up my day.

At the end of the day, I went home knowing I had to visit Nigeria this year. Lol and that Kayin (according to the cab driver) is a giver of life, go figure :p

March Girlfriend Search Chronicles ~ Day 12,13,14 and 15

“The idea of love…a good idea in a fairytale world, a dumb idea in the world we live in…but who says real world people cant live the fairytale..to each his own”

Loved this quote, love seems so wonderful, something I must experience. But it seems i am not destined for it, Days 12,13,14 and 15 confirmed it. I spent all those days at work. There was no social interaction that gave the tiniest glimmer of hope of finding my love, nothing. Not a single call or text or anything. I want to give up not because i was hoping to have found someone halfway into my search but because i realize it is a hopeless quest.

This real world person is meant to love from afar, maybe i am paying for having an exciting childhood. I am going crazy i have to end this post, i am too tired to continue but if i got anything from these past few days. Nothing is easy and nothing just happens (Certainly not love at first sight), we work at and for everything. Your approach and attitude to the work determines how successful you will be.

Have a blessed weekend

Trust….trust is like a big cake

This post might not make sense because I took the private portions out. But this was sent to me by my perfect swimming partner, Rachel. I foolishly put her in a bad place because I was jealous (wanted to use over protective but that would have been a lie). I love her not because we are related but because of who she is. Hope you get something out of it.

Trust….trust is like a big cake, anyone who knows anything about baking or even how to eat a cake knows that a cake is not just a cake that you pluck off trees (duuh). A cake is a combination of things, likewise trust. Before I trust you, I know you. I’ve walked with you and talked with you. I’ve walked the labyrinth of your mind and gotten lost there….comfortably…unafraid. Before I trust you I know what you believe in and more importantly why you believe. Before I trust you, my heart must feel a calm in your presence: it must feel and time must confirm….Before I trust you, I should be able to be myself around you, hold nothing back.

 

Before I trust you…Before I trust you, let me know where you are coming from, where you are, where you are headed, and why you want to go there. Before I trust you, tell me about your hopes and dreams, your wants and needs, let me understand why you do what you do. Before I trust you I must hope with you, in you. Before I trust you, I should love you.  Not the kind of love that makes a man want to take a woman to his bed, but the kind of love that says there’s no way ill let you go through this on your own, you’ll always have me here….yes we’ll argue, and we may not see eye to eye on certain things, but at the end of the day ill come back to you. Before I trust you, I wouldn’t want to lie to you: I’d find it difficult to do that. Before I trust you I’d take the things you say to heart and ponder over them. If a cake and by extension trust is to look good and taste good, these ingredients among others not mentioned must be available. But like cakes, it is a matter of preference, some cakes use milk, others don’t. Some cakes may have baking soda, or powder. Some may use vanilla, others strawberry or chocolate…but there are always the basics…. Flour, eggs and shortening: loyalty, friendship, security,…. Trust…Its the key to every relationship. Well at least one of the keys: because a relationship involves more than one person its not as simple as one door one key (fortunately or unfortunately). What am I trying to say? Well because I trust you, when I do something I weigh it, and this may all sound like some lunatic ranting about something that doesn’t make sense, but when I say I trust you, I mean I have no reservations about you…I love you just the way you are. Imperfections and all….it may not make sense, but trust, love and hope are so deeply intertwined that well trust alone cannot make sense on its own…like no one ingredient can make the cake on its own, like cake is better with ice-cream or icing… what am I trying to say? Well because I trust you, being with you is like eating cake…comfort food.

March Girlfriend Search Chronicles ~ Day 11

I haven’t been in a good place personally for some time, i hope it ends soon. I need to focus on getting ready for the IP exams that i have on the 28th. If i am to write it today, I’ll fail terribly. No one is to blame but me not even my boss. Speaking about my boss, Day 11 was centered around him and the words shared at my IPM

He had only positive reviews about me (which i find suspect) and my progress over the past year was analyzed. And even as i search for a girlfriend, i must find myself so i present the real Christian to her. Not what i want her to see or the face with which i am less shy to face the world with. I must take off any mask that i wear.

He praised my attitude to work, how i relate with my colleagues and the senior engineers, he also called me a manipulator in a sly way; i use all the enablers that i have access to in order to solve my problems. That i don’t mind showing my ignorance in order to gain knowledge. He asked my for my short and long term goals.

I thought about this the whole day, no one knows us better than ourselves., but we interact with people on a daily basis and they see what we present to them. This self which might not be the real self is what people use to form opinions about us. That’s the only thing they have to work with, they have nothing else. Our utterances and actions is what inform them. My future girlfriend has nothing but those two; what she sees and hears herself (not what others report) to decide whether I am the type of man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I am not saying I have to pretend to be the man I know she might want. A false front will surely cause problems in the future the same way if you buy a wrong item, it might not serve the purpose for which it was intended or it might fail. I shouldn’t give the impression that I am a harmless saint when I am the vilest of villains. Simply because I wouldn’t want that done to me. I have to go through each day keeping in mind that my attitude and speech sell me and it’s the same things that either attract or repel people, if your attitude stinks, it drives people away.

Goals…now this is interesting. I have no personal goals apart from being the richest man in the world (Just so I can eat anything I want, from Lions to the most exotic plant). But this isn’t enough and it is wrong. I am no longer a boy, I need to recognize the face that I have more responsibilities and act and plan accordingly. I need to set short and long term personal goals because one thing I do know, I won’t date any girl without any sort of ambition or goal. She must have targets and ways of measuring progress, if I demand this from my future partner, how much more not from myself? And this is more for me as a human than for relationship sakes. How will I know if I made it if I have nothing to measure it against? The time is now! So let me set a personal goal on here, to save 40% of my yearly income this year (starting from today, day of posting this, March 19, 2013)
Have sound sleeps folks.