malota4eva
I Rant….
Dear God, I Just Cant Sleep, Want To Talk?
The fear of the dark can keep me awake
The fear of the unknown, uncertainty about the new venture i am about to undertake
The fear of tomorrow can make me want to pull the covers over my head
The fear of the future, i am too comfortable with my present, i love the familiar
I lie awake wondering all kinds of things:Will i have the right answers for tomorrow’s test?
Dear God, i cannot sleep, you know the thoughts that are disturbing your son, my doubts, my fears, the trials that i face daily, will i be prepared when you finally test me 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
Do i have to go to school? Will i hit the right notes at my recital?
Can i stay in my little corner? Can i shun the company of friends? Of judgemental people? Will i disgrace myself?
Will i be accepted as an enigma? Will they know that i am unique? That i dont have to meet their standards?
Do i have to go to the doctor? Will i strike out at the next game?
Will i be strong for my family? Will i make it for her? the one i love and those that i will love? Can the parents lean on my me in their old age? Will i be the son that they prayed for when they found out mummy was pregnant?
Will i make it at work? Will i be a renowned engineer? Will i experience your grace every single day? I hope i don’t abuse it.
When i worry about tomorrow, i lose my hopes and dreams for today.
I get scared and feel like i am wasting my life when i think about tomorrow. I see my future slipping away, what i can be. I know what i have to do to make my dreams a reality but i concentrate on the difficulty and not how to achieve it, not how build it brick by brick. It starts with learning, saving and above all trusting and committing it into your hands
I must close my eyes to the darkness that fear brings me.
I must close my eyes to the darkness that fear brings me, My future is bright, it is not what i see through the eyes of fear.
I must open my ears to God’s comforting word.
Dear God, you are the last person i can lie to, i hardly read your word. I dont make time for you in my life. But everything i ever needed, need and will ever need is is there. It has provided me with hope in the past, seen me through many battles. Please help me come back to you.
God speaks gentle words to calm my fears.
Please calm my fears, please help me remember that i have an anchor that never fails
God helps me to believe in a bright tomorrow
God help me to believe in a bright tomorrow, help me sleep tonight and wake up to a bright tomorrow. A tomorrow filled with the realization that i am not alone and that i have you by my side. A tomorrow that holds as much promise as my faith in you. Thanks for listening to me
The original words (Boldened) are by Annie Fitzgerald from the Dear God Kids Series
It hurts that it hurts so bad
This is a post written by @uncleyoso The only Alien on my timeline, When an alien decides to love a human, you just know she must be special. This post is about seeing the signs and being helpless, its about err nah please just read it for yourself and share your thoughts in the comments section.
5am: So here I am again when I promised myself just to lurk and like photos on here until I got a professional camera because you guys have been pissing me off with your HD and HDR photos. I’m here early in the morning catching up on the second season of the Game of Thrones but I can’t! I’m sad. I can’t focus. This is my 4th time pressing play on the S02E03 I just can’t find myself to watch this. Sucks b! My mind drifts off to the sadder moments and dark aura that surrounds me. Not that feeling again. Nope! Nah! Never! I’ve been curved. I won’t admit it. I hit pause again. Pushed the laptop back.
I saw on my twitter timeline I remember that writing helps you clear your mind. I never believed that shit until I started writing this blog post. I’m still sad. Why? I’ve been fucking curved you don’t get it. When everything goes from happy hours of a relationship to the sour times of life, you have no choice rather than to be sad. But with this, we were never in a real relationship. I didn’t see her every day. A couple of times a year and that was it. Long distance relationship. L.D.R. I hate that shit. I never trusted that shit anyway. SMH. But I had hope. I’ve never liked anyone like that (never let myself go) in the past 6 years until last year and a half. Everyone who knows me knows your boy don’t get down like that but I did. I love being in a relationship. Everyone does. Everyone wants that person to call your own. Everyone wants some sort of security to make them feel great. I thought we had it. I believed in us. When u start pushing people away just so you give attention to that ‘one’ you know you r there. So it went from spending everyday talking, every second to hi’s and hey’s to fights (yeah brutal and most of them senseless) to pure awkward convos. Crickets. Silence. Shush! We had nothing to talk about. We fucking lost it. I don’t know why. I tried to make things work, tried alternative things to do but it was just crickets. What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with her? What happening to us?
The texting turn from “I love you babe, can’t wait to see you” to….
You – “Yo whats up?”
Her – “Nothing. I’m just there”
You – “Oh okay cool”
Her – “You?”
You – “Home, Chilling”
Her – “okay”
You – “Sure”
Her – “Kk”
You – “Kkkk”
Her – “ (Y)”
This is the stage where you start questioning yourself about what you did, do u look awful lately, no money, situations in life, are you not loving enough, do you need a new car? Nope! I found the answer! It’s nothing! Everything is gone! Through all these times I tried to make things right, like start all over again but still crickets. What made this sadder life pure and authentic is when I found that she was happy. Fuck No! I can’t be going through all this shit and you are happy on the other end. She’ll be in a good mood, exchanging tweets, LOLs and texts with HIM. Yeah HIM. The world always warned me about that HIM. All over in books, online, TV, blogs, magazines always warned us about that HIM who’ll come into your relationship when its sour. He’s the one who makes her smile, advices her about how bad you’re treating her, take her places, spend more time with her. HIM got you on timeout, sitting on the bench waiting to be called into the games but your mojo died, nobody cares about you anymore. I tried to fight her about HIM, I tried to be the nice one the funny one but it was nothing but crickets. The little lies she tells you, you know they’re lies but you have to believe them because you don’t want no drama. Sucks. Let me not talk about jealousy. To me I wasn’t jealous; I was fighting for my own. To her I was always complaining, being a bitch or bum as she likes to say.
Let’s skip all the sad stories. It took a thousand chariots to ask her the ultimate question; “what’s up with the two of you?” After some minutes of denial and beating around she admitted, “I like HIM!!!!”. *#^%^&$&&*^vhjf. Uhhhhhhm. Okay. Yup. I had nothing to say but just one word, “OKAY”. SMFH. It was kinda obvious but that hurt my soul more than everything. I’ve been officially kicked off…to the curb. Probably farther than that. I tried all sorts of distractions even tried playing Sudoku, Disney Channel, reading a recipe book but it won’t go. I’m sadder than before. What am I to do? Just be sad sad sad and more sad. My only prayer is to get over this awful feeling quickly and be myself. I smell a great summer! Yes please.
PS: I fucking hate King Joffrey Baratheon. I just want to smack his membrane out of his skull. Stupid Boy! And yeah I advanced another 2 episodes. Watch this video too and be sad with me
What a friend we have in Jesus
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit!
O what needles pain we bear!
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer.
Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Saviour, still our refuge,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake
thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer;
In His arms He’ll take and shield
thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.
Joseph Medlicott Scriven, 1820-86
Do I need to add anything to the Hymn? We go through so much pain daily when we decide to worry about things that we have no control over. Things that we cannot explain yet we try to rationalize.
Ever had great news and had no one to share it with? Or in so much pain and there is no one you deem worthy to comfort or share in it? Do you feel lonely most days and think that no one loves you? It doesn’t have to be that way. God assures us in Matthew “that I am with you always, even to the end of the world” A forever companion, I remember making a promise to be someone’s forever friend, the friendship lasted less than five months but thank God is not like me. His words are truth and life, they are lasting.
The Psalmist says “But even so, you love me! You are holding my right hand! You will keep on guiding me all my life with your wisdom and counsel…” Psalm 73:23-24 and in 22 “I saw myself so stupid and so ignorant; I must seem like an animal to you, O God”
We all have that “donkey” feeling once in a while, when we feel burdened, we think we have it worst than anyone else in the world. Our decisions leave us looking back at the deed committed and wondering how stupid could I have been? And yet we have someone who is more than willing to be with us always. He created us to be with Him!!
But like any true friendship, it’s a two way street. You have to know and desire that friendship, you have to keep your hand in His hand and allow Him to accompany you on your life’s journey.
Have a blessed Sunday people and remember the only thing needed is the will and desire to have the relationship.
Coming Home
Coming Home
I met her during one of my visits to the local library in Lartebiokorshie. I was a young lad of 11 years and she was of an age unknown. She was the strangest woman I had ever met. She was young yet old, beautiful yet her skin had deep scars marking it. I sat beside her and took a book to read. She slapped it out of my hands and said “My son you have no respect for the elderly? Can’t you greet me?” I was taken aback by her abrupt actions. I still could not tell her age. “Follow me” she demanded and led me to the big nim tree in the middle of the compound.
“Let me tell you about myself, I can see that I attract and repel you at the same time. Yet you are my son. Why the look of surprise? I am your mother! I am an old woman yet a young lass trying to make it. I used to be richest woman among my siblings. I am still rich but most of my riches are hidden. Some have been stolen by my siblings and others are yet undiscovered.
You see these scars? They were caused by the infighting of my kids and the countless rape by my siblings.
You can say I became a woman in the lush valleys around the Nile (the longest river in the world). I birthed Egypt and Kush (Nubians): two great kingdoms. There was the usual squabble among siblings. ‘The relationship between Egypt and Kush was a complex one, which changed depending on the political and economic climate of the time.’ Oh and I forgot to tell you that those I refer to as siblings are actually my children. I birthed them in the East (Eastern Africa) far before I gave birth to Egypt. People populated other continents by moving either through the Sahara or the Nile Valley. My children were successful and became great because they learnt how to take advantage of the annual flooding of the Nile. The Nile was my breast milk, I feed them with it. They got their nourishment and transportation from me. I was the plentiful source of their well-being.
I taught them how to use papyrus, how to use them in recording events. They built lovely pyramids. I had other great children (Kingdoms) such as Ghana, Mali, Yoruba, Benin, Kingdom of Kongo. One of my sons that I take great pride in is Mansa Musa.
But then the raping began and my kids were stolen from me. The children of my siblings came in long boats to ruin me. They came with religion, fire, and deceit. My children were taken to work in their industries as labour, as animals, as property. They worked the sugar plantations in the Americas. Some of them sold their brothers to the invaders but I am not here under this tree to tell you everything about my past. I want to tell you about my present, my future. I want to tell you about why you see me the way you do.
I fought off the shackles that my sisters placed on me. I made education a priority in order to compete in this modern era. I remembered the days of old, how when the floods of the Nile receded we used the silt on our farms and how we irrigated our land using the waters that we harvested from the floods. I improved my agricultural ways, I borrowed from my sisters who I have long forgiven, I won’t say I am there yet but hunger has reduced significantly. My children have started returning home. They return back to me with their knowledge and expertise to further my development, to make me more beautiful. They look at the scars and remember my hardships, in remembering the past they work harder. Their efforts are honorable attempts to somehow make up for all the hurt I have been through. They feel my pain. They love and appreciate me. My children are coming back home.
My children are learning about democracy, the people are learning to rule themselves. There have been recent uprisings in some of the states where the citizens fought the military so that they will be governed by the officials that the people elected into office.
My sisters divided my children. Created countries as disadvantageous fragmentation. The Organization of African Unity and Regional groups such as EAC, East African Cooperation, and Ecowas have been formed to unite dispersed offspring. Trade has increased among them and has gradually grown relatively easier. Most of the nations are landlocked and therefore trade with their siblings on the coast is necessary. The regional integration is a step in the right direction; this promotes trade among siblings with more just trade conditions.
I used to be desired, well-rounded, the dream of every man. I used to be healthy. I lost all of that at the hands of greed and envy from my sisters. But for the past few years, I’ve been working my way back up to glory. Past plagues are diminishing, infant mortality and maternal deaths have seen a decrease. But now a new menace has my children in its grips; the tragedy of HIV and AIDS. AIDS is taking the lives of the young generations that I birthed, so I weep for my children. I cry for them. I feel their pain, for their struggles and hurt are my pain.
Did I tell you about the Library of Alexandria? Or the University of Sankore? Those were places that people came from all over to learn in ages gone. I was the fountain of knowledge, and it was stripped from me. But I am slowly regaining that commitment to knowledge. Greater emphasis is being placed on teaching and educating the ones to whom the future belongs.
The same applies to trade, external trade used to make me rich. I now suffer because of external trade, the terms and conditions are not good and set up for my failure but what can a defenseless woman do? What is there left for me to do? They have exhausted me. I lack energy. They have attempted to deplete me completely but then I remember that my sons are working hard. Daughters are reaping the benefits of their dedication. Industries are being built and privatization is on the rise…”
This is what she said to me as I sat and listened in awe and utter amazement. I was a kid then. 18 years down the line and most of the dictators have been overthrown. Remember Libya? Egypt? Sierra Leone? The first successful handover of power in Ghana? A common currency is being planned for the West African countries; the common currency will be initially introduced in the member countries of the West African Monetary Zone. This is to replace the CFA and make trade among ECOWAS countries easier. Her history has been troubled by pain is on the horizon for our mother.
Agriculture has been on the ascendancy. Education is the top most priority in every nation. Africa has made great strides to catch up with the other continents, the sisters who stole, exploited, and raped her. We might not be there yet but we will be. We will reclaim her glory. We will help her restore her beauty, she will radiate once again. No matter where we go we will always remember our roots. Our heart is with the motherland. Our passion lies in the depths of her soil. Her children are coming back home. Mama, we’re coming back home.
This is a post i submitted on http://www.africaisdonesuffering.com/ An organization whose goal is to raise the image of Africa not only in the eyes of the world but also amongst Africa’s own people. They seek to enable the growth of pride amongst young Africans in reference to their heritage, culture, family traditions, and overall respective countries. Their mission is to provide a safe place for young Africans across the globe to connect with one another and share their struggles, triumphs, fears, courage, shortcomings, and strengths; a place for them to share their lives.
Kendrick ~ Cut You Off (To Grow Closer)
“Cut You Off (To Grow Closer)”
Ali, you thirsty on Twitter [laughs]
You boo-boo, you T
You turned down, you thirsty
You boo-booUh, I’m tryna learn something new
I’m tryna find myself, I’m searching deep for Kendrick Lamar
I read about Napoleon Hill and try to know God
They say he the key to my blessings
and if I speak the good into existence, that instant my dreams will unlock
Money flow like water, I’ll just wait at the dock
And by the way I’ma start, finding more light to shed
like a small garage in your backyard
I’m back chilling with a friend of mine, she mighty fine
But I notice that her heart resides next to bitterness
Always hollering who she don’t like, and who she kick it with
Who she wanna fight, who wearing a weave
Who Dooney & Bourke bag is fake, who holding the keys
to the car she drove last year, or who fucking on who
and who need a pap smear, getting on my nerves
But before your negative energy curve, bitch, I’ma cut you off[Chorus]
Cause every time you come around you be hollering that
whoop-de-whoop, blase-blah
He say, she say, oh my God
Shut the fuck up… hoe
Every time you come around you be hollering that
whoop-de-whoop, blase-blah
He say, she say
Uh, I’m tryna learn something new
I’m tryna surround myself with people that inspire me
or at least inquire similar desires
to do what it T-A-K-E just to reach the T-O-P
I’m talking ideas, motivation
It’s more than making enemies my nigga
Oh, that’s not your memo? Then tell me why you constant stressing
on how much you well connected like centipedes my nigga?
I function with you and you flaunt your pistol
Every second tell me how you pressed him at the Monte Crystal
Where so-and-so from, and what neighborhoods beefing
Who baby momma’s a rat, and who got killed last weekend
That shit is mad depressing, bringing me down
Speak on something with some substance that can get us both paid
rather than telling me how these niggas jocking your style
or his rims ain’t bigger, pussy nigga, I’ma cut you off
[Chorus]
Cause every time you come around you be hollering that
whoop-de-whoop, blase-blah
He say, she say, oh my God
Shut the fuck up… scary ass
Every time you come around you be hollering that
whoop-de-whoop, blase-blah
He say, she say
Uh, I’m tryna learn something new
I’m tryna better my chances of becoming a star
I’m tryna feel the vibe of Mona Lisa, studying art
Now paint that picture, life behind bars
Remember the very day I got caught?
I murdered a rapper, and you filed the police report?
See what I was taught, family is all I need
But indeed, them too can run me right up a tree
Constantly talking shit bout the next relative
Wanting me to take sides, but I’d never give in
Ever since grandma died everyone parted ways
Argue on holidays, left my uncle in prison
For fifteen years no one paid, him attention but moms
Yeah my momma as loyal as any sister would come
Come to my house just to yap about your own people, dang
And if your blood wasn’t running through my veins
I would probably cut y’all off, too, yep
[Chorus]
Cause every time you come around y’all be hollering that
whoop-de-whoop, blase-blah
He say, she say, oh my God
Shut the fuck up… keep it running Ali
Every time you come around you be hollering that
whoop-de-whoop, blase-blah
He say, she say
So tell ‘em shut the fuck up
Tell ‘em shut the fuck up
Yeah bitch you boo-boo, you T
You turned down, you thirsty
Tell ‘em shut the fuck up
Tell ‘em shut the fuck up
Yeah nigga you boo-boo, you T
You turned down, you thirsty
You thirsty, you boo-boo
You T, you turned down
You boo-boo, you T
You boo-boo, you turned down
You thirsty, you T
You boo-boo, you turned down
You boo-boo, you T
You turned down, you weak
You weak, yo’ bitch weak
Yeah [laughs]
You boo-boo, you T [laughs]
Keep all that
[Outro:]
What is HiiiPoWeR?
HiiiPoWeR is the way we think, the way we live
See it’s known today that the human race is nothing
No moral, no standards
What we’re about to do is raise the level of expectations
No you don’t have to have a lot of money
You don’t have to be rich
But you will be rich in mind and spirit
Some say it’s as big as a crew, some say it’s as big as a gang
HiiiPoWeR, we stand for it as if it’s as big as a religion
It says it all.
Dear God, if I gave all my love away…could I have a refill?
Was sitting behind a table nursing a drink and having a conversation with my date. I could not wait for the food. We were discussing a tweet I read earlier on my timeline, i don’t remember the exact wording but I think it’s went like this “if even his girlfriend doesn’t cook for him, the guy in a relationship eats better than the single guy” Why will a couple out on a date discuss this? Foremost my date was myself…secondly what at all is he eating that the single guy can’t eat?
Was it the female companionship? Or was the food sex? Like for real? We just could not understand it, maybe you can help us. One thing I have learnt is that no one can make me as happy as I can, no one does it as well as I can! I am happy when I am alone and when I am with people, I love being in the background. My joy is in no one’s hands, it might get tied in with someones joy one day but until then I will forever be happy and have all my crazy thoughts.
As our dinner progressed we kept being interrupted by the waiter, I don’t know whether it was the quantity of food being consumed or he genuinely thought I was going crazy with me smiling at my phone. I was smiling because I was satisfying my thirst on instagram . I was on Eee’s page
I was reading the comments and remembering our conversations on twitter, most of the comments were about how beautiful she was and yet humble. One could tell her friends genuinely admired and loved her. I found myself asking how will you feel if she was your girlfriend? Will you remain faithful? The answers? Proud and No.
Why will I be proud? I like people who are good in whatever field they find themselves and yet remain cool and humble, very approachable and ready to teach. Here was a young lady who wasn’t haughty or nothing of the sort, just a regular lady with a beauty to die for
Why will I cheat? It’s me, I don’t think I am ready or ready to be responsible yet. I still love a game of flirting. The chase, the mind games etc.
Will I remain this way forever of course not, I might even be ready at the end of this post. All I know right now is that I know where my source of joy is and that is very important. Do you know that hymn…. Will your Anchor hold? Yeah when the storms of life come rushing in, what will I hold unto, can I provide a strong shoulder for two if I don’t know where my own strength is? My Anchor is Christ, though my chain link is weak, I am working on it. Strengthening it daily or should I say weekly? My joy is myself, not my possessions or work or my pot belly.
What sort of woman will I look for when I am ready? A creator, someone who has gifts, someone who can make a career out of what she loves doing. Someone who can survive if she loses her job today. Someone who will tell my kids “hey follow your heart, but make sure you are a professional in that field” oh she has to be mad sexy in her own skin/confidence. She shouldn’t be like me.
“Dear God, if I gave all my love away…could I have a refill?” Fortunately the kids book I read said yes, the cup of love never runs dry, I can keep on loving for eternity and loving everyone around me. I can pour it unto the flames of hatred around me and quench them, I can feed the poor kid down the road with it and he will be full, love is something that never ends it’s as eternal as God and as powerful as Him since He is love. Never stop loving, remember God just is, He was and will be. There was no cause, so you don’t need a reason to love, just love . In Jeremiah 29:11 He says,
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you…thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end”
So I know I am covered, He has His own plans for me!
Her First Time
You know how they say when you lose one sense, every other sense becomes heightened? It’s true! I lost my sense of sight as my eyes closed just before our lips met.
His lips were soft. Really soft. I still can’t find the perfect word to describe the softness of those lips. I’d never felt anything like that before. His are the softest lips I’ve felt even till this day. Cushy without being mushy. Silky, almost fluid, smooth, and supple. My taste buds seemed to be working on overdrive. He tasted minty, from the breath mints he had popped into his mouth after that last stick of cigarette. I could still taste a hint of the tobacco. I didn’t like it, but the mint had overpowered it, which was good.
Before long, his tongue had snaked its way into my mouth. I panicked! What was I to do with it? Then I felt his hand on my shoulder as if to reassure me, he had it under control. I don’t know how it happened or what he did, but I somehow found my rhythm and the dance began. In and out both tongues worked. Exploring every contour, searching out hidden treasures.
I lost control. The exercise was sending tremors up my spine. I felt the quivering and I’m sure he felt it too. I tried to stifle it, but the more I tried, the more violent it became. Too violent it couldn’t have come from just me. I was right. Somewhere in the midst of this glorious exchange, our bodies had joined and the vibration wasn’t mine alone. He was shaking.
At that moment, he pulled back. I opened my eyes and stared into the pool of dark eyes staring back at me. I could see his emotions as if I was reading his thoughts and the things I saw, mirrored mine. He wanted more and so did I.
Gently, he picked up his phone and slowly walked out of the room. I wasn’t sure what to expect next, but I knew that all my defenses were down and I was ready for the next step. It would be our first time, my first time as well. I don’t know how long it took, but it felt like an eternity when he walked back into the room.
“Your cab is on the way”, he said. His voice a little more than a whisper.
Looking puzzled, I replied “I didn’t call for a cab”.
“I know, I did. If you don’t leave now I can’t control what will happen.” I could hear the desire in his voice.
“But…” I couldn’t find the words. Couldn’t he see that this is what I wanted? Did he not see the longing in my eyes? I wasn’t even trying to hide it.
“Babe, it’ll happen. Just not today and not like this.”
He walked up to me and planted a feathery kiss on my cheek. We both heard the car pull up to the drive way, my cab was here.
Almost eight years later, I smile at the recollected of my first kiss. I find it amusing when people say they had a horrible first experience. I don’t know why, but I was lucky with mine. I’ve gone on to have other “firsts”, none of them with him. In fact, that was the last time we were alone together. He was too old for me. But the memory of that evening will forever be a treasure in my heart. I got it right the first time and haven’t missed ever since.
Words
I’ve been busy weaving words onto cloth
to make a cloak I can wear into dark forests
to whisper poetry at the Moon
and make her fall in love with me
and sit amongst the branches of trees
rustling the wind with my language
and falling bump bump bump onto the ground
to find metaphors shaking around me
and shoving at my shoulders insistently
because the world can tremble itself into rubble
and no one will notice because you can stitch things together with just your mind and your fingertips and all of it will be entirely yours.
The world looks so bleak from where I stand.
She’s blurred and shifted into something the galaxies are probably shuddering from.
The Moon hails her because she has to, and the rest of the universe stands by to watch,
hands folded behind their backs, lips curled back wondering how we managed to destroy each other so very well.
These poems are from a woman who is like the seasons. Lindsey.. I hope you enjoyed them…. :)
